Conflicted

Ironically, the words I’m trying to put together when trying to depict how I feel about him won’t come together.

It’s like describing the taste of water. I know I like it, I know it’s different, but I can’t characterize it. 

I hoped that what I felt for him was merely lust, but when I found myself wondering why I wanted more than sex, I knew it wasn’t just that. 

 

Sometimes I blame my loneliness for trying to make something out of nothing.

Although, it’d be nice to have someone around, it can’t be him.

He can’t even make enough time for me and when he does, we do the very same things that encourage my “fuck men” mindset.

He doesn’t tend to me as much as I’d like him to.

 

But when I see him, his charm enthralls me.

His charismatic persona lures me in.

He entices me.

 

 I know I’m not the only woman he wants.

He’s weighing out his options, studying each and every one of his pieces before making his next move.

And when he does, it drives me crazy.

 

On the other hand, our chemistry is one that the world can envy.

When I look at him I see a small glimpse of our future.

Others see it too…

The constant: “You guys would look good together”

And the: “You guys are so similar”,

make my heart flutter.

We have similar souls that desire identical things in life.

His insight provokes thought in me.

It’s the sex.

I don’t need love.

Any other day, I don’t exist to him.

Days, weeks and even months go by without seeing him and the interest goes away.

Then it takes one message…

And I want to…

care for him

nurture him

love him.

Advertisements

Sinful Desires: Part I

Sin
noun
1. Transgression of divine law: the sin of Adam.
2. Any act regarded as such a transgression, especially a willful or deliberate violation of some religious or moral principle.
3. Any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.; great fault or offense

Sinful [sin-fuhl]
adjective
1. Characterized by, guilty of, or full of sin; wicked: a sinful life.

Although I have no preference I am very knowledgeable of different religions. I simply don’t believe in religion because, out of respect, I just don’t agree with the basic idea of religion. Something somewhere out there created us but are there really guidelines, morals, and laws we have to follow in order to assimilate to a specific religion? I come from a fairly catholic family and despite their efforts to instill their religious beliefs in me, I didn’t necessarily deny religion, it simply wasn’t me. It’s almost incredible how different these religious groups are so for me I believe in whatever sets my mind at ease in the anticipation of life after death.

Sinful? Me?

Yes. Aren’t we all?

We sin everyday, they say. Premarital sex, abortion, hatred, masturbation, lying, theft, adultery, are all sub-contents of Sin. And as each day proceeds we call attention to the faults and wrongdoings of others, ceasing to expose our own.

But I created my own definition of sin,
and I am still full of sin.

From my uncontrollable wrath to my sultry, lustful desires I am drenched in sin. From the moment I wake up in the morning to the last minute I am awake in the evening, even my mind is doing its fair share of sinning.

My wrath comes from bottled up emotions such as anger, frustration, hatred, and hostility that is stored until I find an outlet. My reasons for writing exactly. My wrath is horrendous, fearless and has no boundaries. Wrath is the reason I act on impulse, the reason why I’m stubborn and the reason why I’m careless. Yet again wrath has made me more passionate, independent, and opinionated.

My lustful persona derived from the reassurance of others that my body and attitude went hand in hand. The look in my eyes automatically emit sensuality and my poise immediately ignites a fire in those I’m trying to seduce. Because of lust I’ve ruined relationships and jeopardized friendships. Lust has made me prefer intimate relationships over genuine love. Lust has made me aggressive and very fearful of commitment. I do praise lust for being the reason I am open-minded, free-spirited, and adventurous.

I fear that one day my wrath will drive me to do such things I wouldn’t do normally.
I fear that I may kiss my chance of love goodbye, due to my lustful pursuits.